I’ve noticed a problem with our nation’s foremost hero. Namely, how do you fit “The Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior Boulevard” on a Street sign? That’s 48 characters, not counting the spaces! To make a proper sign, it would have to go across all 8 lanes of an expressway. Sure, you can abbreviate, but that’s disrespectful, and everybody knows you can’t diss da’ King. What to do, what to do?

I have been reading the media’s annual orgy of abject genuflection for the martyred civil rights leader, and it reminds me of the kind of glowing prose usually reserved for dead rock stars, Barrack Obama, or one of the Apostles, in that approximate order of importance. In the latter vein, there is even one church whose praise of His Holiness is so great that they propose to make him a saint. And therein lies our solution. We go ahead and make official what is already de facto the case by anointing him America’s First Saint. He is, after all, already adored far and wide as the Greatest American That Ever Lived, possibly the Greatest Human Being the Planet Has Ever Produced, a selfless, soulful, intelligent black man whose pure life epitomizes the glorious struggle of the Noble Negro against his Evil White Oppressors (EWOs). And think of how much paint we’ll save on our signage: “St. Martin Street”.

And on this day, I propose that we honor the memory of this great man by recreating some of the most important moments from his life. Here is my list of 5 things to do on MLK Day:

Cheat on your exams-St. Martin is a known plagiarist who stole almost his entire doctoral dissertation from his betters. Even though Boston University investigated his cheating and found that he was guilty, they did nothing to revoke his doctorate. I’m sure it’ll be OK for any of you to do the same thing…won’t it?

Cheat on your wife-St. Martin yielded to temptation…a lot. But not to worry, his serial philandering was just “anxiety reduction’ according to King’s own account…and even his spouse! I’m sure your wife, dear reader, will be equally sanguine about any extramarital affairs you conduct on this special occasion. But, I wouldn’t advise you to cold-cock one of the 3 hookers you hire out (on the same day!) with other people’s money, like the Nobel Prize-winning peace activist did.

Steal something-MLK didn’t confine his plagiarism to academia. No, he also copied parts of his “I Have a Dream” speech and his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” as well. So theft is a fine way to honor him.

Join the Communist Party-While King was not a member, he did attend Communist training schools, staffed his organization with card-carrying members, and received funding from the Reds-at the height of the Cold War. You can, too!

Hire a Less-qualified Black Man-or, better yet, a black woman, a coveted “double minority”.  That is the ultimate legacy, after all, isn’t it? I know most of us are afraid to say so in public, but everyone knows it’s true: Affirmative Action, one of the main pieces of legislature arising from the Civil Rights movement, has forced corporations all across the fruited plain to promote blacks ahead of more qualified White Men, admit them to schools in front of higher-testing Whites, and grant them special privileges that Whites need not apply for.

So, as we tear down monuments to the racist White Men who built America, I want everyone to enjoy your day off honoring this Black hero, because according to The Narrative, no other figure is so important in our country’s history. After all, alone out of all the great Presidents, military heroes, statesmen, explorers, writers, poets, theologians, industrialists, pioneers, or scientists this country has ever produced, only one has his own holiday-St. Martin. Yes, he was a philandering Commie plagiarist who stole most of his speech material and beat up hapless hookers, but what does that matter compared to his righteous legacy?  Besides,who else are you going to celebrate?  George Washington?  He was just a racist who owned slaves 220 years ago!  Now, when do we tear down that obelisk that bears his name?

Postscript-I wrote this article not because I hate MLK.  I do not.  But I am tired of the trashing of our national heroes because they weren’t politically correct.  Of course they weren’t!  That was 200 years ago…hello?  I am glad for the progress that minorities have made since the 60’s, but it is wrong to tear down White heroes and discriminate against us just because of the color of our skin.

I have a dream too.  That Black people will finally pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and quit relying on me to pander to them.  That they will stop asking for special favors and reparations.  That when they don’t have good enough grades to get into a school, they will simply study harder.  That when they think a business discriminated against them, they just won’t go there.  That they quit celebrating thug behavior and police their own neighborhoods.  That they stop bitching about statues and monuments to White heroes and start doing something to make their own heroes.  That after seeing a Black man elected not once, but twice to the most powerful position on earth (with another Black man in charge of the justice system) they’d stop the BS about racism.   Most of all, I have a dream that they stop the whining, because, here’s a news flash-there’s ZERO White privilege.

You want to know what’s in my “invisible knapsack” of White privilege?  It’s knowing that after I study hard and graduate from college, if I’m lucky I find a job that pays enough for me to have a small family in a good school district.  It’s the sure knowledge that, at some point in time, I’ll lose a promotion, a slot in school, or a job because I am the wrong color, and the federal government will sanction that discrimination.   It’s seeing my national heroes disparaged because they’re supposed to be racist, and watch as negative White stereotypes are portrayed in every form of media in the country while my children are taught that their own parents are evil in schools that I have to support.  It’s paying the lion’s share of the taxes because no one else seems to want to do the hard job of making the country work.  It’s the likelihood that, at some point in my life, someone I know and love will be the victim of Black on White crime.  And you know what?  At the end of the day, I am going to be told that I am a racist with special privileges in spite of all that.  So I’ll tell you what’s in my knapsack.  It’s the load of carrying around the rest of the country on my back for the last 50 years, and it’s getting a little old.  When will you learn to walk on your own?