2015: It’s all over but the crying now, and it wasn’t a good year at all. It brought us more unemployment, more war, more illegal immigration, more terrorism, and less beauty and sanity than any year I can remember since Tricky Dick darkened the doorway to the White House and double-knit leisure suits were worn in the discos of Funkytowns across our great, but yet, somehow…tasteless nation. So with that, I’m hoping for a better 2016! I therefore present my wish list for the coming year:

Trump wins-If mass immigration has already permanently altered the American landscape into a vast wasteland of taco joints and rent-a-tire centers, maybe whatever the Donald does won’t really matter in the long run. But if we have any chance at all, we should follow the advice of EMT’s the world over: first, stop the bleeding-turn away the illegals at the border, and hell, yeah!-make them pay for the 2,000 mile-long wall themselves. Why not? If anyone knows how to build a giant gaudy edifice with other people’s money, it’s Trump, and wouldn’t it be nice to have a First Lady in office who doesn’t hate America and could pose for the White House swimsuit calendar? Besides, who better to deal with Putin than Trump? He’d have a signature golf resort built in Siberia, the Trump Tundra Palace, where they’d both meet and measure dicks to see who wins the new Cold War. I’d rather not make that bet on the farm with Bathhouse Barry in office.

No peace in the Middle East-They haven’t had any in so long, what difference does another war make at this point? The worst case scenario is that more camel jockeys die, and that means there are fewer left over to terrorize us horrible infidels who have the gaul to try to help pull them up out of the Bronze Age. Besides, this just in-we have our own oil, and it’s profitable at about $50 a barrel. That we can afford. And let Israel do their own fighting for once. I can only hope that we Americans finally sit one out. Support the troops? I do. Bring ‘em home. And put them on the border down Mexico way.

George Soros dies-There’s a long list of people we’d all be better off without: Al Sharpton, Kim Kardashian, Hillary Clinton, Caitlyn Jenner, the Weinstein brothers, Congress, the entire population of Manhattan, Washington, DC, and LA, for example-but no one personifies pure evil so much as this pasty punchbag-faced genocidal maniac.He’s so old, I have to believe what we’re seeing is just a hologram of the octogenarian reptile made before he assumed room temperature, while his body is actually cryogenically frozen like some kind of Bond villain waiting until the right moment to destroy all life on our planet. But then, maybe not. Die, Soros, die!

Global Cooling-I only hope for this because it screws up the narrative for the tree-huggers, who once told us that because of-dum, dum, DUUUM-humans, and our filthy pollution and plus-sized cars and people, that we were going to enter into a new Ice Age, and the Polar Cap would grow so large that we’d be able to snow ski on Mount Trashmore off the Interstate in Ft Lauderdale. We are still waiting on that, I guess, but now they say the exact same man-made activity is promoting Global Warming, and I’m getting a tad confused, not to mention pissed, because it seems to me that these so-called “scientists” are just kill-joys who get off on the idea that the media actually listens to them, and for the first time in their pencil-necked lives they finally have some power and they want to use it to screw things up for the rest of us by making us give up our air-conditioned homes in the ‘burbs to live in eco-yurts, eking out an existence based on communal subsistence farming and darning llama wool.

OK, so this was more of a rant than a message of hope, but there you have it. 2016? Bring it on.