Liberals, I have some difficult news to share with you. We conservatives have decided that this marriage cannot continue and that we must seek a divorce. This is something we’ve been struggling with for a long time and I suspect that you are at least aware that we have been having a hard time together, which you made pretty obvious when you threw a tantrum over the last election. But I believe that we can do this with decency and reasonableness and hope you will come to believe that as well.
We’ve tried to work it out, but how do you compromise on an unborn baby’s right to live? And how should I react when you invite all manner of criminal elements into our home? It was bad enough when Ramon moved his whole extended family into the backyard, because feeding them really cut into our household budget, but now that Syrian refugee Achmed wants to marry our daughter! True, I know you think it would be wonderful to have such a multicultural family, but Suzie’s only 11, and I just don’t think she should have to wear a burkha yet…even though the Imam at the local mosque has made it pretty clear that’s what they expect from the women folk once they impose sharia law in the neighborhood.
And what can I do when you choose to hate my Christian religion, even when you knew that was my Faith right from the beginning? I used to enjoy Christmas every year until you said that our manger scene wasn’t Kosher and made me put up a menorah instead…and when did you become so intolerant that you called the ACLU to force Chris’ Bakery to make cakes for that gay couple?
Now you have decided that President Trump should be impeached after only a few weeks in office. You say he’s “not your President.” I can empathize with how bad it must feel to lose, since Hillary Clinton was such a paragon of truth, and a woman to boot, but isn’t your reaction just a bit, shall we say, dramatic, not to mention childish? Nonetheless, I agree, Trump shouldn’t be your leader any more than Obama was mine. It’s best you choose your own man/woman/gender for the job. May I suggest Bradley “Chelsea” Manning as your new Commander in Chief? He seems to be unsure of his identity, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but y’all seem pretty unsure of yours as well. You should enjoy giving he/she/it the task of choosing which color to paint the new transgender latrines at your Army bases.
Anyway, we’ll have a lot of details we need to work out. As you know, I’m a bit of a Renaissance Man, so I will continue working 70 hours a week as an engineer, architect, scientist, aviator, businessman, builder, and inventor, and you will be able to continue working part time in the Womyn’s and LGBT Studies Department at Central State Junior College. But don’t worry, I’m sure that you’ll be able to continue drawing some extra spending money as a Soros-funded protester as well.
We can split up the property this way. You can take the left Coast and Hawaii, as well as the Northeast down to DC, and we’ll even throw in the Great Lakes states just for fun as well. We’ll take everything else. True, we’ll have to suffer with Miami, and you’ll have to put up with the Maine Downeasters, but does that seem fair? We’ll build a big, beautiful wall between our home, Freedomia, and yours, but you’ll have to come up with your own name. What do you think about Libturdistan? Just trying to be helpful…
As always, the hardest hit in any divorce are the children. But rest assured, we’re willing to give up the bastard offspring neocons to you…whether they want to go or not. We always suspected that we weren’t the real father after all.
So let’s split the rest of the assets as follows: You keep the SPLC, militant gays, Muslims, Banksters, lawyers, illegal aliens, feminazis, Food Stamps, Greenpeace, rap artists, dual passport-holding Jews, Rosie O’Donnell, shrinks, baristas-for-life, Kim Kardashian, special snowflakes, “international studies” majors, Head Start, social justice warriors, MSNBC, “The Reverend” Jesse Jackson, Democrats, Planned Parenthood, Black Lies Matter, and pot smokers, and we’ll keep the Ten Commandments, the Special Forces, Spacex, Rand Paul, oilmen, farmers, Russell Crowe, Blue Collar workers, the Border Patrol, the NRA, stay-at-home Moms, Dr. Ben Carson, Jack Daniels whiskey, Celtic music, deer hunters, Breitbart, locally-owned stores, the Texas Rangers, NASCAR, Melania Trump, cajun cookin’, free enterprise, cowboys, school choice, S.T.A.N.D., truck drivers, Trident submarines, and church clergy. Sound good to you?
Yes, we’ll need to stay in touch after the Big Split, but we can issue visas for that. If we do this right, there’s no need for a big fight, and besides, you don’t want to go there. Remember, our side gets the nuclear weapons!