Liberals, I have some difficult news to share with you. We conservatives have decided that this marriage cannot continue and that we must seek a divorce. This is something we’ve been struggling with for a long time and I suspect that you are at least aware that we have been having a hard time together, which you made pretty obvious when you threw a tantrum over the last election. But I believe that we can do this with decency and reasonableness and hope you will come to believe that as well.
We’ve tried to work it out, but how do you compromise on an unborn baby’s right to live? And how should I react when you invite all manner of criminal elements into our home? It was bad enough when Ramon moved his whole extended family into the backyard, because feeding them really cut into our household budget, but now that Syrian refugee Achmed wants to marry our daughter! True, I know you think it would be wonderful to have such a multicultural family, but Suzie’s only 11, and I just don’t think she should have to wear a burkha yet…even though the Imam at the local mosque has made it pretty clear that’s what they expect from the women folk once they impose sharia law in the neighborhood.
And what can I do when you choose to hate my Christian religion, even when you knew that was my Faith right from the beginning? I used to enjoy Christmas every year until you said that our manger scene wasn’t Kosher and made me put up a menorah instead…and when did you become so intolerant that you called the ACLU to force Chris’ Bakery to make cakes for that gay couple?
Now you have decided that President Trump should be impeached after only a few weeks in office. You say he’s “not your President.” I can empathize with how bad it must feel to lose, since Hillary Clinton was such a paragon of truth, and a woman to boot, but isn’t your reaction just a bit, shall we say, dramatic, not to mention childish? Nonetheless, I agree, Trump shouldn’t be your leader any more than Obama was mine. It’s best you choose your own man/woman/gender for the job. May I suggest Bradley “Chelsea” Manning as your new Commander in Chief? He seems to be unsure of his identity, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but y’all seem pretty unsure of yours as well. You should enjoy giving he/she/it the task of choosing which color to paint the new transgender latrines at your Army bases.
Anyway, we’ll have a lot of details we need to work out. As you know, I’m a bit of a Renaissance Man, so I will continue working 70 hours a week as an engineer, architect, scientist, aviator, businessman, builder, and inventor, and you will be able to continue working part time in the Womyn’s and LGBT Studies Department at Central State Junior College. But don’t worry, I’m sure that you’ll be able to continue drawing some extra spending money as a Soros-funded protester as well.
We can split up the property this way. You can take the left Coast and Hawaii, as well as the Northeast down to DC, and we’ll even throw in the Great Lakes states just for fun as well. We’ll take everything else. True, we’ll have to suffer with Miami, and you’ll have to put up with the Maine Downeasters, but does that seem fair? We’ll build a big, beautiful wall between our home, Freedomia, and yours, but you’ll have to come up with your own name. What do you think about Libturdistan? Just trying to be helpful…
As always, the hardest hit in any divorce are the children. But rest assured, we’re willing to give up the bastard offspring neocons to you…whether they want to go or not. We always suspected that we weren’t the real father after all.
So let’s split the rest of the assets as follows: You keep the SPLC, militant gays, Muslims, Banksters, lawyers, illegal aliens, feminazis, Food Stamps, Greenpeace, rap artists, dual passport-holding Jews, Rosie O’Donnell, shrinks, baristas-for-life, Kim Kardashian, special snowflakes, “international studies” majors, Head Start, social justice warriors, MSNBC, “The Reverend” Jesse Jackson, Democrats, Planned Parenthood, Black Lies Matter, and pot smokers, and we’ll keep the Ten Commandments, the Special Forces, Spacex, Rand Paul, oilmen, farmers, Russell Crowe, Blue Collar workers, the Border Patrol, the NRA, stay-at-home Moms, Dr. Ben Carson, Jack Daniels whiskey, Celtic music, deer hunters, Breitbart, locally-owned stores, the Texas Rangers, NASCAR, Melania Trump, cajun cookin’, free enterprise, cowboys, school choice, S.T.A.N.D., truck drivers, Trident submarines, and church clergy. Sound good to you?
Yes, we’ll need to stay in touch after the Big Split, but we can issue visas for that. If we do this right, there’s no need for a big fight, and besides, you don’t want to go there. Remember, our side gets the nuclear weapons!
author
Roads Less Traveled 
Your rant does a huge dis service to the Conservative cause. Real conservatives follow the Law are not racists but lead by example. Jews never make anyone put up a menorah as “recruiting” is not part of our culture. Everyone who is in America legally and minds their own business is welcome. Myself and my Family has done charity work for everyone and I’m still a Trump supporter for the right reasons. Our new President suffers when people like you don’t have a clue about what he is doing. He is re balancing the leftist fascism but he is not for the racism you express. Get it?
I think you need to chill. This was meant to be humorous. Get it? Nor did I express any racism.
Couldn’ta said it better, Johnathan! 👍
Uh oh. Someone mentioned the J. word.
Great piece. I plan on posting it.
America will Balkanize. In reality, it is already divided on so many lines and in an irreconcilable manner. It is the sheer magnitude and power of the state that keeps it all together by force. Also some credit must be given to the mass media which is almost completely unified in their propaganda message. When the power of the state weakens, the divisions will become more visible to those who have been brainwashed due to the fact that all the various factions will be able to execute their agendas more freely. I have bad news for the libtards – you will be the biggest losers in all this, and likely the first to be eliminated. Extinctions is your future. It will be all your enemies who will inherit the Earth. You have nothing which unifies you. You have nothing that you believe which is of substance. You lack identity and truth. You are also weak and unwilling to defend what you believe in, as you have relied on the Federal government to do your dirty work. Your ideology is weak and corrupt – and undermines your existence. Without the State to recruit more of you libtards through the indoctrination camps we call public education, you are lost. You abort your children, assuming you even have any by accident as you’re anti-family. You average less than 1 child, which means your numbers are in rapid perpetual decline. You are sustained by recruitment, not nature. You have no nationalist identity, as you are a hypocritical, confused mix of anarchist ideologies and totalitarian statism. You are anarchists when government doesn’t work for you, and totalitarians when it does. You ridicule libertarians for being individuals, but at the core of your philosophy – you are individuals, divided and defeated. You reject any notion of real community, while promoting artificial concepts of community that have not earned their right to exist in the harsh vetting of human social evolution. You have no racial identity. In fact, you reject this as the most anathema thing imaginable. Negroes, Hispanics and even some Whites think differently, and this gives them an advantage no matter what you think about it. You have no religious identity. The Muslims alone will annihilate you. While the filthy Koranimals hate everyone, they especially despise you atheists. There are also many White Christians who identify religiously and will not put up with your shit once your government enforcer is out of the way. You even lack gender identity in direct conflict and hypocrisy with your Darwinist beliefs. Gender roles are reversed, twisted and confused. And so too, are lost any advantages and efficiencies provided by it. You have thrown away millions of years of evolution and natural selection that has created the most fit and strong, in direct contrast to your beliefs that nature is always right, and just, and true – and that humanity is plague on the Earth. This also ties back into your rejection of the family unit – the basic cell of strength for humanity. Your basic belief is that you yourself are the problem. It is a self-loathing, self-destructive belief system. In this world, you must love your identity, because no one else will. I look forward to the weakening of the state, as when this occurs – education will once again fall back into the domain of families and churches, and your kind will quickly cease to exist, and this will be better for the world. In the end, all you ever were, was pawns of slave masters – and traitors of your race, religion, culture and heritage. More accurately, you are casualties in a battle you don’t even know was being fought against you. They didn’t have to shoot and kill you on a battlefield in an honorable manner. No, instead, they got you to voluntarily commit an ideological and cultural suicide. You killed yourselves. You forfeited everything. And you rejoiced in doing so. As such, while you continue to breathe and walk the Earth, you are essentially dead and lost. Heh, you are sort of like animates corpses, zombies. Roaming the Earth, spreading your disease, eating Tofurkey and hanging out in your zombie hives aka Starbucks.
Wow, K, nice rant! Is that K as in Klepht, by chance?
Yes.
Thought so. Welcome back!