Gun control

“Did you hear about the latest school shooting? There was another one and this time three people died,” says the Canadian to me.

“That’s too bad,” I say deadpan.

“Too bad? When do you think America will do something about it?” He is genuinely amazed at my stoic reaction.

“What should we do?”, I respond indignantly, as one speaking to an outside meddler.

“You should have some kind of gun control. People are dying”, he suggests, with just a hint of superiority.

“I don’t want to live in a country where the only people with guns work for the government,” I say defiantly, like some latter day incarnation of Patrick Henry.

“I wouldn’t want to live in a country where there are so many guns” he tells me darkly.

“Well, we wouldn’t want you to live there either” I blurt out, more than a little annoyed.

Now we’re both irritated. That didn’t go so well did it? But it sums up pretty nicely one of the differences between us and our northern neighbors.

Have you ever met an offensive Canadian? I haven’t, at least of the non-Quebecois variety. So I’m always surprised when they bring up a subject that they must know is guaranteed to generate controversy. I think it must be because they feel that they are so obviously right about it that they truly can’t fathom how I could be so obtuse.

So here I will lay out for my Canadian friends (and my Toronto cousin) in one easy reference piece why we Americans love our guns and don’t you dare even mention any kind of control, you fascist!

• Guns don’t kill, people do! And by that I mean, white people don’t kill with guns, black people do. Here’s an un-PC fact that I know will be hard for you libtards out there to digest: If you look only at America’s white population we compare favorably with the overall homicide rates of European whites. Yes, a white American is far more likely to be killed by a gun, mind you, but I’m not sure a corpse cares if it was a knife, gun, or hammer that killed it. The salient fact is the dead part of the equation, right? So if you’re white, relax! This doesn’t mean that black deaths don’t matter. They do. But the fact is that by simply avoiding the inner city areas where blacks are shooting at each other you will be as safe as vacationing in Prague.

• Guns are fun! Yes, you read that right. Guns feel good in your hand, especially the finely crafted ones. They’re cool to the touch and are balanced for premium performance. They are precision instruments, and it requires practice and discipline to become proficient with one. When you point a gun at a target, deer, or beer bottle and hit it from 100 yards, it brings out the hunter-gatherer in you. Or, put a fully automatic assault rifle on Rock-and-Roll andsqueeze off 20 rounds in less than the time it took to read this sentence. It’s good for thesoul, and a great way to blow off steam. Plus, the nicest people in the world are the ones youmeet at a firing range or while hunting. Good firearms make for good neighbors.

• Guns are for family Many guns are passed down as family heirlooms. My own Enfield was my Dad’s, and my son will have it some day. They connect us through the generations, and the hunting and target practice we experienced as young adults with our families create memories that will stay with us forever.

• It’s in the Constitution for a reason “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is it’s natural manure.”-Thomas Jefferson.  The best Americans have a healthy distrust of government, and someday, we may need to revolt again. You can’t do that with a longbow. Plus, government thugs are less likely to attack private homes when they know the citizens might be armed.

• Guns stop crime One of the most maddening things about the gun statistics debate is that criminals who are shot by citizens protecting their own lives are still counted as violent gun deaths. Plus of course the media, who hate all of the meat eaters, NASCAR fans, and gun owners in America, consistently fail to report these positive gun stories in favor of gun massacres by crazy people…which, oddly, could never happen if everyone had a gun. How far do you think the nut job at Sandy Hook could have gotten if even one teacher was packing heat?

• Frontier culture Yeah, I know, the frontier’s gone, but this is the only authentically American culture we really have. We want to keep it.

People are quick to point out how similar we Americans and Canadians are, and rightly so. We not only share a common border but a common language (mostly), and Anglo-centric heritage as well. It’s a standing joke that Canada is like a 51st state, except that they’re more polite than we are.

Yet the histories of our two countries are quite different. The birth of the United States was steeped in blood while Canada is still part of the Commonwealth of England. Canadians are happy to live harmoniously in a liberal Shangri-la where the government, apparently, actually is there to help them. Most Americans I know have been disabused of that notion long ago by the imperial overreach of recent administrations.

So yes, we’re the same in a lot of ways, but the gun culture is one of our irreconcilable differences. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

Next up: National Health Care :((